Kokoro Is Blue


It Goes On

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”  — Robert Frost

I’ve struggled fairly badly the past week.  The binge eating has returned.  I’m slowly coming to cope with the fact I have an addiction to fight with, and it hasn’t been easy.  No one wants to be an addict.  Before there was food, it was alcohol.  I’ve just replaced one with another.  High volumes of food I’m not supposed to eat make the depression and anxiety worse.  It becomes a ranting and raging cycle I get caught up in.  I see it for what it is.  Despite that, it’s easy for me to get caught up in.  Just one more day of binging, I tell myself, and am knee-deep in chocolate and pizza, and thirty or fourty thousand calories later I hate myself and want to die.

Times like this, I try to pick myself up as soon as I realize it.  Life goes on even in the face of our foibles and reticence.  Today I woke up, ignored the desire for crap and pushed forward to work towards something else.  It’s going to be a long week of doctors and visitors relating to my room mate.  I can’t always control my anxiety. I can’t always control my sadness.  I just have to remember to keep walking, one step at a time.  It sucks and it is harrowing, and I’m not sure right now if I’ll be successful.

So, here’s my list of what I must do this week:

  • Up at six every morning.
  • Healthy food every day.
  • No take out.
  • Every time I want to get take out, I’ll deposit the money into savings instead.
  • No candy.
  • No soda, even diet.
  • Write everything down.
  • If mood wavers and thoughts are suicidal, immediately call the doctor.

This makes me feel like a child who doesn’t know better.  I generally have enormous willpower.  Just sometimes I am aghast at how quickly the addictions and bad habits kick in and hold me prisoner.  It happens.  It’s life.  I must do my best to focus on the positive.

Some days I can only do one thing at a time, living minute to minute, hour to hour.  It’s going to be one of those weeks.  I won’t let it break me.

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Waiting

I hate waiting.  It galls me.  I seem to spend most of my life in a state of transition with no closure.  Today is especially bad in some respects.  Crippling anxiety is no fun, and I seem to be drowning in it today.

I’m paralyzed and can’t make a phone call I need to.  I have to go get groceries at one of the busiest times of the day.  I have to keep pulling it together…keep pulling it together.  There’s an old Japanese proverb that goes something like, “Fall down seven times, stand up eight.”  I’m just so damned tired of falling.

I know I’m on the edge of an attack.  It just means I need to push myself more.  So today I’ll push, and hopefully not have a panic attack or become suicidal.  I feel like I’m skirting the edge of the Dark Place, so I’ll throw myself into the middle of my life and push past it.

Some days I can’t thrive – it’s all I can do to just barely live.  Time to turn waiting into movement.  It’s hard to remind myself that I can’t control the things outside of my head, but I can focus on what I can change.  So, we’ll give that a whirl, today.


Running Circles

Have you ever felt like you’re going nowhere?

That’s the story of my life.  I decided that this was pretty much BS and began to write my own script.  It’s tooth and nail the whole way, though.  All the ground I gain is hard fought and won, and some days I fall further behind than I was.  Progress for me is sometimes simply nothing more than not dying.  I don’t take what I can get any longer – I don’t settle for that.  I will always work towards what I desire.

Right now, I’m relearning how to walk.  It’s mind numbingly difficult to walk for ten minutes without being in pain.  It’s mind numbingly difficult to go outside.  Combining the two has been a recipe for panic attack and joint agony, but I press forward regardless.  You see, Dear Reader, in order for Miss Kokoro to get healthy, she has to attend physical therapy as well as that of the mental sort.  One of the sad aftermaths depression leaves in its wake, is that physical health is in decline.  In my case, I gained a massive amount of weight and have lots of skeletal and muscular issues to wade through.

It’s been difficult to handle.  Both the mind and the body trouble are mind numbingly difficult to deal with on their own.  Some days I take ten steps forward and three back.  Still, that’s progress!  Unfortunately on other days, it’s the reverse proportion, and I find myself further back than when I started.

This is part of the appeal Zen has for me.  Life for me has to always be in the moment.  I could crucify myself worrying about the future or brooding about the past.  For me, there must always be only the present, and I must do my utmost in that moment of moments.  At least, I try to remember this.

I still run in circles.  Little by little though, I break free. Running in circles is not fun, but it’s a necessary part of getting better, I think.  It’s learning to see the circles for what they are, and knowing when you can appreciate where you’ve been that forward movement starts to be made.


Defining Depression

Defining depression for Miss Kokoro involving Bauhaus, time, and random Japanese words.


Beginning

Where to start?  At the beginning, I suppose.  My name is Kokoro, and this blog is about me and my journey in living with depression.  We’ll try to stick with just the facts, and as little hubris as possible.  Of course my name isn’t really Kokoro.  It’s a concept and idea in Japanese that I find suitable.  It doesn’t translate well to english; a good approximation I suppose is “heart” or “spirit”.  It is basically the essence of personhood – what makes each of us human.  Thus, my decision in using it as my nom de plume, such as it is.

It’s not easy to write this.  Most things that are worthwhile to do aren’t, I’ve come to find.  At any rate, welcome to my journey.