Kokoro Is Blue


Category Archive

The following is a list of all entries from the depression category.

Dying By Inches

People often focus on suicide where depression is concerned, zoning in on that one final act that hurts both the living and the deceased in an unforgivably permanent way. To have depression is to continually die. You lose yourself inch by inch. It is a slow death. By the time you find yourself in the head-space where your own pain is so overwhelming, so numbing. . .there is only one thing left that will alleviate it: to die.

It’s hard to explain being suicidal to someone who has never experienced it. To live that way is to spend every moment of your life in stressful agony. If you’ve ever had your life in danger, ever lived with death and torment haunting you, being suicide-prone is not much different. The stress often doesn’t get discussed. It’s overbearing, life-consuming, almost unrecoverable from without help. Stress leads to pain, pain leads to self-hate, self-hate leads to stress. This becomes the quickly unbearable rhythm that sings one to endless sleep.

Long before you first whisper to yourself, “I want to die,” you have been perishing by inches. You retreat from friends, cancel visits, cancel phone calls, avoid people, act sullen and/or ill-tempered. You create the self-fulfilling prophecy, as people begin to avoid you. Isolation then comes from without and within, both self-inflicted, and both reinforcing and expanding on the horrible whispers of your mind.

I have lost so many friends at this point, it’s, pardon the pun, depressing. I’m still responsible for that, as I often repeat here. It still is a pretty low feeling. It’s hard to move past our past.

Next week I turn thirty-three, and I am no longer married. I have no career or family to show for the past ten or so years, most squandered to illness. It’s very tempting to quit. This is the precise time that I choose to do the opposite. I must go on. Some days it’s because I want to, some days it’s because I need to, and other days it’s because there is simply no other choice. To not walk forward is to die.

And so, I walk forward. If you’ve been in my shoes, you understand. If you haven’t, then I am very grateful for you, more than words can express.

I’m not depressed about my birthday which surprises me. I’m hopeful for the future. My one request from any who read this is that if you haven’t seen someone in a while, if you haven’t talked to someone who means the world to you lately – don’t hesitate to do so. Every gift is precious…and you shouldn’t wait to be depressed to relish this small and simple gestures that really make a whole world of difference.

Happiness is a choice, not a right, and not a privilege. We have to fight with ourselves, and with others, to achieve it. Don’t settle for anything less today! As spring turns into summer, live the fullest you can, even if that means inch by inch.

Advertisements

Waiting

I hate waiting.  It galls me.  I seem to spend most of my life in a state of transition with no closure.  Today is especially bad in some respects.  Crippling anxiety is no fun, and I seem to be drowning in it today.

I’m paralyzed and can’t make a phone call I need to.  I have to go get groceries at one of the busiest times of the day.  I have to keep pulling it together…keep pulling it together.  There’s an old Japanese proverb that goes something like, “Fall down seven times, stand up eight.”  I’m just so damned tired of falling.

I know I’m on the edge of an attack.  It just means I need to push myself more.  So today I’ll push, and hopefully not have a panic attack or become suicidal.  I feel like I’m skirting the edge of the Dark Place, so I’ll throw myself into the middle of my life and push past it.

Some days I can’t thrive – it’s all I can do to just barely live.  Time to turn waiting into movement.  It’s hard to remind myself that I can’t control the things outside of my head, but I can focus on what I can change.  So, we’ll give that a whirl, today.


Running Circles

Have you ever felt like you’re going nowhere?

That’s the story of my life.  I decided that this was pretty much BS and began to write my own script.  It’s tooth and nail the whole way, though.  All the ground I gain is hard fought and won, and some days I fall further behind than I was.  Progress for me is sometimes simply nothing more than not dying.  I don’t take what I can get any longer – I don’t settle for that.  I will always work towards what I desire.

Right now, I’m relearning how to walk.  It’s mind numbingly difficult to walk for ten minutes without being in pain.  It’s mind numbingly difficult to go outside.  Combining the two has been a recipe for panic attack and joint agony, but I press forward regardless.  You see, Dear Reader, in order for Miss Kokoro to get healthy, she has to attend physical therapy as well as that of the mental sort.  One of the sad aftermaths depression leaves in its wake, is that physical health is in decline.  In my case, I gained a massive amount of weight and have lots of skeletal and muscular issues to wade through.

It’s been difficult to handle.  Both the mind and the body trouble are mind numbingly difficult to deal with on their own.  Some days I take ten steps forward and three back.  Still, that’s progress!  Unfortunately on other days, it’s the reverse proportion, and I find myself further back than when I started.

This is part of the appeal Zen has for me.  Life for me has to always be in the moment.  I could crucify myself worrying about the future or brooding about the past.  For me, there must always be only the present, and I must do my utmost in that moment of moments.  At least, I try to remember this.

I still run in circles.  Little by little though, I break free. Running in circles is not fun, but it’s a necessary part of getting better, I think.  It’s learning to see the circles for what they are, and knowing when you can appreciate where you’ve been that forward movement starts to be made.


Defining Depression

Defining depression for Miss Kokoro involving Bauhaus, time, and random Japanese words.