Kokoro Is Blue


Category Archive

The following is a list of all entries from the zen category.

Fumbling

The past few weeks have left me in a state of fumbling. I’m allowed to live at a building not my own out of kindness, as I have nowhere else to go. Said building recently had the gas shut off. It will have been off for over a week through no fault of my own. There was money, just no payments were made. Things timed poorly, I suppose. Accidents happen after all. This combined with continual working on my divorce have been extremely stressful, and the evil demon that always lurks in my medicated mind has been slowly clawing its way back to the surface.

Because the gas can only be turned on one day this week, it inconveniently is the day my therapist appointment was. This is another huge source of stress, as the therapist is often, literally, the only person I see for weeks at a time. He doesn’t have any appointments this week, which isn’t his fault. He’s a busy guy. And hey, it’s my problem. It’s frustrating, though, unspeakably so. I’ve been, to be honest, fumbling much of the past month.

My birthday in May was sort of alarming and unexpected. It dredges up unimaginable sorrows that are hard to express. I remember five wasted years, the past five, in which I slowly was letting myself drown in depression. I’m scared, because I feel that familiar trace returning. I feel the fingers of sorrow and aching mental pain daring to return.

What to do, what to do? The alternative is unquestionably a Bad Thing, so Dear Reader, know that I am tightening the belt and stepping forward, as the Japanese expression goes. Right now, tonight, a part of me wants nothing more than to give up, to shrink into the inconsolable mingling of darkly ecstatic pain and self-abuse that depression can be. If it gets worse, I won’t hesitate for a moment to go to the hospital. My life means too much to me to gamble it away, even when the waters that normally float me home are threatening to drown far more than my spirits.

If nothing else, the peonies are starting to bloom – ironically, a symbol of the Japanese samurai reminding me of my little joys, such as they are, and I want to be here to see them at least. So, for tonight, happy thoughts are in order, with a phone kept nearby, and a friend’s stories to keep my attention focused.

There are many people all over the world that live one day to the next, barely surviving. Sometimes that’s all I can do. One step forward is still forward. Even if I must sit tonight and rest lest my progress is prematurely halted, I force myself to walk once more. As long as I keep moving ahead, it doesn’t matter how slowly, it doesn’t matter the bleak and bleary nights such as this…I know in my heart this storm shall pass. Now it’s merely a matter of reminding the creature lurking in the shadows of this as it tries to kidnap my thoughts.

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Running Circles

Have you ever felt like you’re going nowhere?

That’s the story of my life.  I decided that this was pretty much BS and began to write my own script.  It’s tooth and nail the whole way, though.  All the ground I gain is hard fought and won, and some days I fall further behind than I was.  Progress for me is sometimes simply nothing more than not dying.  I don’t take what I can get any longer – I don’t settle for that.  I will always work towards what I desire.

Right now, I’m relearning how to walk.  It’s mind numbingly difficult to walk for ten minutes without being in pain.  It’s mind numbingly difficult to go outside.  Combining the two has been a recipe for panic attack and joint agony, but I press forward regardless.  You see, Dear Reader, in order for Miss Kokoro to get healthy, she has to attend physical therapy as well as that of the mental sort.  One of the sad aftermaths depression leaves in its wake, is that physical health is in decline.  In my case, I gained a massive amount of weight and have lots of skeletal and muscular issues to wade through.

It’s been difficult to handle.  Both the mind and the body trouble are mind numbingly difficult to deal with on their own.  Some days I take ten steps forward and three back.  Still, that’s progress!  Unfortunately on other days, it’s the reverse proportion, and I find myself further back than when I started.

This is part of the appeal Zen has for me.  Life for me has to always be in the moment.  I could crucify myself worrying about the future or brooding about the past.  For me, there must always be only the present, and I must do my utmost in that moment of moments.  At least, I try to remember this.

I still run in circles.  Little by little though, I break free. Running in circles is not fun, but it’s a necessary part of getting better, I think.  It’s learning to see the circles for what they are, and knowing when you can appreciate where you’ve been that forward movement starts to be made.