Kokoro Is Blue

It Goes On

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”  — Robert Frost

I’ve struggled fairly badly the past week.  The binge eating has returned.  I’m slowly coming to cope with the fact I have an addiction to fight with, and it hasn’t been easy.  No one wants to be an addict.  Before there was food, it was alcohol.  I’ve just replaced one with another.  High volumes of food I’m not supposed to eat make the depression and anxiety worse.  It becomes a ranting and raging cycle I get caught up in.  I see it for what it is.  Despite that, it’s easy for me to get caught up in.  Just one more day of binging, I tell myself, and am knee-deep in chocolate and pizza, and thirty or fourty thousand calories later I hate myself and want to die.

Times like this, I try to pick myself up as soon as I realize it.  Life goes on even in the face of our foibles and reticence.  Today I woke up, ignored the desire for crap and pushed forward to work towards something else.  It’s going to be a long week of doctors and visitors relating to my room mate.  I can’t always control my anxiety. I can’t always control my sadness.  I just have to remember to keep walking, one step at a time.  It sucks and it is harrowing, and I’m not sure right now if I’ll be successful.

So, here’s my list of what I must do this week:

  • Up at six every morning.
  • Healthy food every day.
  • No take out.
  • Every time I want to get take out, I’ll deposit the money into savings instead.
  • No candy.
  • No soda, even diet.
  • Write everything down.
  • If mood wavers and thoughts are suicidal, immediately call the doctor.

This makes me feel like a child who doesn’t know better.  I generally have enormous willpower.  Just sometimes I am aghast at how quickly the addictions and bad habits kick in and hold me prisoner.  It happens.  It’s life.  I must do my best to focus on the positive.

Some days I can only do one thing at a time, living minute to minute, hour to hour.  It’s going to be one of those weeks.  I won’t let it break me.