Kokoro Is Blue


Waiting

I hate waiting.  It galls me.  I seem to spend most of my life in a state of transition with no closure.  Today is especially bad in some respects.  Crippling anxiety is no fun, and I seem to be drowning in it today.

I’m paralyzed and can’t make a phone call I need to.  I have to go get groceries at one of the busiest times of the day.  I have to keep pulling it together…keep pulling it together.  There’s an old Japanese proverb that goes something like, “Fall down seven times, stand up eight.”  I’m just so damned tired of falling.

I know I’m on the edge of an attack.  It just means I need to push myself more.  So today I’ll push, and hopefully not have a panic attack or become suicidal.  I feel like I’m skirting the edge of the Dark Place, so I’ll throw myself into the middle of my life and push past it.

Some days I can’t thrive – it’s all I can do to just barely live.  Time to turn waiting into movement.  It’s hard to remind myself that I can’t control the things outside of my head, but I can focus on what I can change.  So, we’ll give that a whirl, today.